my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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