Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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