If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
3pm strippers are depressing
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
