In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
