dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
