I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
