I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
