Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
