Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
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