Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
only you would photoshop your dick
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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