I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
