How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
