last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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