my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
