I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
