I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
And then he peed in my hair
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