Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize