I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
