Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
