Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
someone owes me an orgasm
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
