Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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