I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize