I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
