just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
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the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
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The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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