Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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