He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
