Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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