I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
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I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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