how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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