dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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