It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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