somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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