is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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