fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
