Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
