You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
