she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
