My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
