I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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