Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
