I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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