I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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