i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
