So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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