I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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