Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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