nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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