i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
