I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
