I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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