tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
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A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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