I cannot find my penis.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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