I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
