i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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