Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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