She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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