I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
