can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
