i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
