My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
