Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
