Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
