Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
