i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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