I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
