If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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